Pregnancy Loss, My Grief is real too....

This Blog is not about Duchenne. I felt this needed to be written from the view of a mother who has lost children during pregnancy, often Women who suffer miscarriage or Stillbirth the world forgets them, and does not see their loss as a loss... or as significant as the loss of an older child. Here are my thoughts....

You see so many posts and people talking about parents losing a child, and how that loss compares to nothing else. I’m going to probably upset some people for writing this. I agree losing a child is heartbreaking, life altering and an unforgettable pain, it’s like a piece of your heart has been ripped out never to be returned or replaced. Well this is also true for pregnancy loss!

So often people forget those who lose a child during pregnancy or overlook our pain and grief. Losing a child, you have watched grow is heartbreaking, well so is losing a child you never go to see grow, you never got to hold, memories you have of your child don’t exist for parents who lose a child in pregnancy.

I wish I had the cherished memories you have, I wish I could see photos of my child’s birthdays, milestones etc., all I have are ultrasound pictures, and for my son Ethan memories of his first kick…. that is, it, there are no photos of me holding my four angel babies in my arms, no lock of hair, first tooth lost nothing but emptiness. I constantly wonder what did my babies look like, did they have their dad’s ears and my eyes etc.

Seeing your child’s life cut short no matter the circumstances is horrific, and unfair. It’s hard to put into words the pain unless you have felt it yourself. It is something you never, ever get over, we live with it because we have no choice as life goes on around us whether we like it or not. All parents who lose a child be it later in life or in pregnancy will have feelings of inadequacy, question if they did something wrong, we all feel anger, anger at the world, anger at people’s mundane problems etc. This is all a natural sad part of grief. Everyone grieves differently, but I don’t believe there is better or worse grief, it’s not a competition. Grief is Grief regardless of the circumstances.

I think it’s important to remember that your Grief is no worse than anothers, that you are not the only one grieving a loss, when a mother loses a child, so does a father, brothers and sisters lose a sibling, grandparents lost a grandchild, and those peoples grief is just as hard as ours. Of course we have our moments of irrational thinking, and can let our grief overtake us; and that is to be expected, and perfectly normal. I just think it's important to acknowledge other peoples grief too.

When you find out the baby you are carrying has passed away and they can no longer find a heartbeat it’s like your heart is instantly broken to pieces, you can’t breathe, you are instantly gutted and just like parents who lose an older child it puts a strain on you and your partner’s relationship and can make or break a union. When a child is lost in pregnancy for the most people really don’t acknowledge our grief and pain. There is always someone who comments and tells you it’s okay you can try again, or oh well better luck next time, and just like any other loss people make silly statements that hurt. This hurt is normally unintentional, but that doesn’t make it hurt less.

I have to say I do at times envy parents who have watched their child grow, held their child in their arms and have memories. Of course I’m sad for their loss, and would never lessen it, but it’s hard sometimes to not think, hey at least you have memories, and don’t get me wrong I would never say that to someone, it’s just not a nice or pleasant thing to say, but being honest it’s how I have felt a times.

I know that grief can often make us bitter and angry, and see us saying and acting like we normally don’t. I have had many angry moments especially when I see someone abusing or hurting a child, knowing I would never have treated my babies like that, knowing I would have loved and cherished them. I think how unfair it is that these poor excuses for parents are willingly hurting their own children, wondering how the forces that be thought these people deserved a child. And I’m sure this is the same for any parent who has lost a child at any stage.

We also go through the same heartache seeing our babies’ things, for me coming home to all the lovely baby clothes and things I had bought was just so upsetting. I had ordered some bibs online for our boy Ethan, that had his name on them. They arrived just days after losing him, and this was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I realized he was never going to wear them, I smelt them and they didn’t have a familiar scent on them, no reminder left over from our little man just heartbreak… but I think that heartbreak is the same for anyone who loses anyone they love… I look at things today that remind me of my late brother, seeing his things but not him. The feeling I get in the pit of my stomach remembering my brother is the same feeling I get thinking of my bubs, the same feeling I get remembering my 15-year-old cousin Lisa who passed away, the same feeling I get thinking about my Pop and Ma who are no longer with us, the same feeling I get thinking of my friend Roger who has passed etc. That feeling of grief does not elude any of us in a time of loss.

It’s easy for people to think we are over losing someone, when we just go on with life. Just because we are not falling to pieces on the outside, does not mean we are not falling apart inside. You never get over losing someone, never… sorry but this is just the truth. Life goes on around us and we can’t stop it, time stops for no-one. We are forced to live with the loss.

Someone told me that my grief is not the same as the grief someone feels losing a child when you have held them & watched them grow… this was so hurtful; it was like they were trying to lessen my grief. I don’t agree losing a child is just that, losing a child no parents grief is worse than anothers because someone grieves differently to you that does not lessen the pain and suffering, does not lessen their right to face the situation in their own way, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. And grieving does not stop because time has passed.

Another thing that really upsets me about pregnancy loss, people always assume you will try again. Well let me tell you deciding to try again is so scary and upsetting, and no easy feat. You can’t help but worry that the same thing with happen, or maybe you won’t be able to fall. You can’t stop thinking that you wouldn’t and couldn’t cope with another loss. Suffering more than one loss really makes the whole idea of trying for another baby is terrifying. One of the worst things someone said to us was: “At least you have other kids” – well guess what you can’t replace a baby you’ve lost with a new one…. You are not grieving for your living children, your grieving for the child you have lost! This statement indicates that you should be content with the children you have, you should just forget the one you lost and move on with life… sorry but this is not something any grieving parent should have to hear.

Losing Klaudia, Ethan, Jordan & Levi were the most heartbreaking experiences of my life, even my son Kye’s diagnosis of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy was not as devastating to my husband and myself as losing these precious & loved children.

Every single day I think of these beautiful bubs, and wish so much I could picture their faces, remember their smell and have some cherished items or pictures to look at. My heart is full of love and pain when I think of them, say their names or write about them. These loses affected my husband and I more than people know, for us we don’t have 5 children we have 9. I can tell you from personal experience that having other children did not diminish the pain, did not make it easier, did not change a thing… reality is we lost our 4 babies, and nothing in this world can change that or take the pain and grief away that we feel and will feel and remember for our entire lives.

Love and peace to anyone who has experienced a loss, even those of you with fur-children you have lost, Hugs to you all!